Dave's Free Press



Older stuff

I am blessed, for I have found Greg, my personal Saviour.

Here's a calendar of the major Holy Days:

27 Jan: the Frabjous Day of Saint Lewis the Caroller
on which day we set nonsense words to traditional music
13 Feb: the Drinkday of the Holy Saint Oliver
at which it is customary to drink rum and partake in the ancient art of arm-wrestling
26 March: the Songday of the Holy Saint Noël
which is not to be confused with the barbarous practice of calling the heathen feast of Christmas by a French name
11 Apr: the Fastday of the Blessèd Jeremy
customary activities currently illegal in most jurisdictions
27 May: the delicious but weird Feast of the Blessèd Heston of Bray
during which believers carefully wash their hands
28 June: the Lard-day of Saint Clarissa, Greatest Ever Englishwoman
when one attempts to make one's lady even fatter by bringing her breakfast in bed, with everything (including the orange juice) cooked in lard
15 July: the Artday of Saint Other Brian
when one is compelled to be snootily superior
18 Jul: the Graceful Day of Saint William Gilbert
on which the faithful partake of a gentle game of cricket.
24 Aug: the Smugday of the Blessèd Friar Stephen
on which one is wrong about many things but in such a mellifluous tone of voice that it doesn't matter
9 Oct: the Shoutday of the Blessèd Brian
16 Oct: the Witday of the Holy Saint Oscar
Traditionally one is supposed to watch television and drink lager on this day, because art and all higher things are useless. However, most modern Gregologians maintain that these observances are optional and that Saint Oscar should be celebrated by wearing silly clothes, drinking champagne and absinthe, and reading poetry.
24 Dec: the Moleday of Lemmy the Loud
when the observant attempt to wind hawks
28 Dec: the Feast of Saint Keith the Bankrupt
At which one carefully measures just how high you managed to piss money up the wall while joining in the celebrations of the pagan feast of Christmas.