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Wed, 18 Feb 2009

Dear Suicide

An Open Letter to Those Considering Suicide

Jumping in front of a train is a bad idea, for several reasons. First, it doesn't always work. Lots of people who try it survive. All of them Hurt a Lot. Some of them are sufficiently damaged that they are no longer capable of killing themselves and they Hurt For Ever. You don't want to be one of those people, you want to be a dead person!

Second, consider the effect on the poor driver.

Third, and most important, it disrupts the journeys of tens of thousands of other people, all of whom are your betters. That's just bad manners.

As a public service, I would therefore like to suggest some ways in which you can kill yourself while causing minimum aggravation and inconvenience to worthwhile people.

  1. Park your car somewhere secluded and run a pipe from the exhaust into the passenger compartment. You will fall asleep and die painlessly.
  2. Sit in a nice warm bath and open some arteries. You will fall asleep and die painlessly.
  3. Take a sharp knife from your kitchen and stab yourself through the heart. Do this by placing the point of the blade between the appropriate ribs and pushing hard, do not attempt to stab from a distance.
  4. Hang yourself. The Interwebs will help you figure out how much of a drop you need for a quick death, but 9 feet will be adequate for all but small children.

Other suggestions are welcome!

Anyway, the reason for this letter is that my journey home from work has been disrupted by inconsiderate suicidal bastards two days in a row now. This is not what I need after a day of being a useful member of society. Grrr.

In an attempt to brighten days that are otherwise spoilt by suicides, I am going to keep track of where they've decided to spoil my day, and see if I can collect the whole set of stations. This post will therefore be updated in the future. In the list of stations below, those in bold have been infested by worthless wretches:

  • Battersea Park
  • Clapham Junction
  • Wandsworth Common
  • Balham (17 Feb)
  • Streatham Common
  • Norbury
  • Thornton Heath (18 Feb)
Posted at 20:19 by David Cantrell
keywords: bastards
Permalink | 2 Comments

and if doing 2 remember down not across.

Posted by bob on Thu, 19 Feb 2009 at 14:25:06

Apparently you should do both down *and* across, several times, as that makes it much much harder for the people in A&E to stop you bleeding out if you are interrupted.

Posted by David Cantrell on Thu, 19 Feb 2009 at 16:06:33

Sorry, this post is too old for you to comment on it.